I Met A Man With A Big Fat _ _ _ _ _ _!

I can’t catch a break. Apparently there is no middle ground for me in the online dating world. I either meet a guy that won’t text me back for days or I meet a guy that when he doesn’t hear back from me within….8 minutes….turns into a needy little bitch.

Which brings me to Tony, a 36-year-old decent looking guy with a good IT job and his own house (in the same town as me) who would flip out if I didn’t respond to his texts RIGHT AWAY….

5:58pm – Tony: Can I call u when off train
6:01pm – Tony: ??
6:06pm – Tony: Guess not
6:09pm – WinterInNYC: I put my phone down!

The funniest part about this is that I’m a super fast responder to texts. Most of my friends know that if I don’t text back right away it means I’m having sex, taking a shower, driving or pissed at them. So for someone to freak out on me for not responding quickly enough only showed me that this guy was fucking suffocating.

At 9pm Tony called me and we had a great conversation. We talked for over an hour and when I hung up with him I was optimistic that I had just met a really nice guy. I’d just ignore his earlier texts…I’m sure that’s not his norm!

I was getting ready to throw on some porn and get into bed with my vibrator when I got a text…

Tony: Sweet dreams
WinterInNYC: 🙂 u too
Tony: u are adorable
WinterInNYC: 🙂
Tony: I was really sad to hang up you are really easy to talk to
WinterInNYC: Thanks – there will be more to come
Tony: What type phone u got?
WinterInNYC: Iphone
Tony: Facetime for a min with me
WinterInNYC: No
Tony: Why
WinterInNYC: Bc I’m tired and not wearing makeup and ready for bed
Tony: Stop I don’t care
WinterInNYC: But I do – please….
Tony: Not nice at all
WinterInNYC: I am nice – Gnite Tony
Tony: Wow
WinterInNYC : I’m tired
Tony: Whatever that is mean
WinterInNYC: No its not!
Tony: It is. I leave you alone sorry

But the mother-fucker DIDN’T leave me alone…for the next 30 minutes I had to explain to him why I didn’t want to Facetime and why he should be more understanding.

He just wouldn’t take no for an answer! The memory of our first great phone conversation quickly vanished and was replaced by this ridiculously horrible nonsense child-like texting. He was exhausting and this was the first day we started talking….

I finally turned off my phone realizing he had drained all of my energy. Bad night all around! Not only was I too tired to play with my vagina but I was pretty confident that Tony had one too.

We were off to a great start!

There Are Plenty of _ _ _ _ In The Sea…Right?

I’m fishing. I’ve been fishing. I’ve been fishing my entire life. I’m sitting in the same fancy boat with my bedazzled rod and my yummy bait and I’m waiting…for years I’ve been waiting. I’m pretending that fishing is fun. I won’t admit that I’m losing hope. I won’t admit that my patience is wearing thin. I’m still waiting for a healthy delicious attractive fish to come along and get hooked but instead I wind up (sea)sick and (sun)burned with smelly fingers and I’m alone because I had to throw back the crap fish I did catch that werent fit for human consumption.

My last two rejects catches….

Name: Steve
Location: Queens
Age: 34
Employment: Insurance Adjuster

Steve: What do you do?
WinterInNYC: I’m a __________ __________ in the city.
Steve: Ouch
WinterInNYC: Yeah
Steve: Long commute 😦
WinterInNYC: Its ok. 45 min on the train.
Steve: That’s not that awful, you must get a bunch of reading done
WinterInNYC: I do! Do you read books?
Steve: Mostly magazines. U? 50 shades? Lol
WinterInNYC: I read a lot – and yes I’ve read 50 but it’s not my normal type of read
Steve: Uh huh sure lol
WinterInNYC: 😛
Steve: Bad girl! I like it
WinterInNYC: Why does that make me bad?
Steve: I hear its naughty
WinterInNYC: Read it and find out.
Steve: That book may be a little much for my virgin eyes and ears

I didn’t feel the need to find out if Steve really was a virgin. But I knew that if my reading of 50 Shades of Grey made me a “bad girl” in Steve’s eyes then one perusal of the contents of my night table would result in Steve cumming in his panties or crapping them (maybe both…at the same time).

Next!

Name: Frank
Location: Long Beach
Age: 37
Employment: Electrician

Frank: Can I ask you a personal question?
WinterInNYC: Ok
Frank: I better not u might get mad 😦
WinterInNYC: Might as well ask now that you brought it up!
Frank: Do u wear thongs or g-strings?
WinterInNYC: Strippers wear g-strings – is that what ur looking for?
Frank: Not only strippers wear g-strings silly guess u wear grandma undies lol
Frank: I guess u aren’t interested I will delete your number

This time…I have no words.

2014 Started Off With A _ _ _ Bang!

One of the first blogs I came across when I joined the WordPress World was The Things I See Up Here.

A laugh out loud, incredibly smart and hilarious blog, that quickly became my go-to blog when I needed a pick-me-up.

So when The Things I See Up Here came across my blog a few months ago and “liked” a post of mine, I got so excited I actually needed to change my panties.

I couldn’t believe that my blogger crush noticed me!

The Things I See Up Here recently posted a contest to name a new strap-on he invented.

With only a week to come up with a name, I got to work.

I started with names like The Beaver Basher and the Pussy Pounder but then I realized that it wouldn’t be used solely on women so these names wouldn’t be good to entice both men and women, gay and straight users.

Then I came up with some obvious names like The Universal Cock Strap and the Pecker Packer but these were just too ordinary for me.

I needed something bigger! A name that would stand out! A name that encompassed the amazingly out of this world pounding the user of the strap-on could give to their partner. A pounding that I sure as hell need!

With the deadline looming, it finally came to me, and I pressed send!

And the winner is…..

Stay tuned to find out which lucky guy gets to experiment with me and my new Big Bang Belt.