It Takes Two To Tango….Or Maybe Just One _ _ _ _ _!

Several months ago I gave my old ITouch to my niece.  She was thrilled until she couldn’t download any video chat apps to talk to her friends because they all ran on IOS 7 and my old ITouch couldn’t upgrade.

So being the wonderful aunt that I am I started Googling to find an app she could download which brings me to Tango.

After downloading Tango for my niece I also downloaded it on my IPhone so that we could text and video chat.  Tango has a “Discover” tab that allows you to find your contacts, people you may know, people nearby and people around the World.  I didn’t realize that by clicking on any of these tabs my profile would go public, but it did, immediately resulting in me receiving hundreds of winks and messages from men 5 miles away to 5,000.

Which brings me to Pedro, a 32-year-old Costa Rican who only days before he messaged me walked off of a plane to start a new life in New York.

Pedro and I hit it off from the start.  Our texting led to hour long phone calls and when we finally met (his first blind date….my 800^th) I was pleasantly optimistic.

He was a true gentleman.  It had been a while since I had a man open my car door and pull out my chair.  It was nice.

I fell hard and fast for Pedro.  It was hard not to.  He was adorable and smart and kind and he wasn’t afraid to talk about the future.  After being with guys who wouldn’t talk about next week let alone next month, Pedro talked about “tomorrow” which helped me feel confident and secure.

So after 5 weeks of dating I finally invited Pedro to my home.  We cooked dinner together.  He made sangria.  We had an amazing night.

And then it was time for bed.

I was finally going to have some alone time with my hot latin man somewhere other than my car.  I couldn’t wait!

We started to make-out.  The kissing, as usual, was great.  The touching was hot.  But when I denied his penis access to my vagina (I just wasn’t ready) he unfortunately found an alterative….my thigh.

Pedro made love to my thigh that night.  For approximately 7 minutes Pedro rubbed and gyrated against my thigh while moaning until he came with a whimper so unmanly I almost laughed.  I wiped off his cum from my raw thigh, patted him on the back, turned over and pretended to sleep.

Did he actually think that was hot?

Our relationship ended a few days later and all I was left with was a bruised thigh, a jealous vagina and an improved Spanish vocabulary.

Another one bites the dust.

My Crystal Ball Says, “Stop _ _ _ _ _ _ Assholes!” (Part 3)

The less than enthusiastic birthday response put me on high alert, but I convinced myself not to make a big deal about it or let it ruin what I thought was the start of something great.

But things just never got great.  We seemed to always be taking two steps forward three steps back, and as usual… this relationship was driving me crazy.

I had to initiate the planning of our 2nd date and then 4 hours before we were supposed to meet he cancelled, using the excuse his friend had an emergency.  I was annoyed.

When we finally did have our 2nd date it was great!  We had dinner and then snuggled in an empty bar making out.

Our 3rd date which took place on LI was amazing.  I was happy that he made the effort to come to my home and when we took the train back into the city the following morning he held my hand the entire time.

Things seemed to moving in the right direction until he once again canceled hours before our 4th date.  This time I wasn’t annoyed, I was pissed.  We rescheduled for the next day and when I confronted him about blowing me off… again… and on such short notice…he apologized, but I just wasn’t believing his excuse that he hadn’t been feeling well the night before.

For the following two weeks I waited for him to find time to spend with me but he wouldn’t. Over text (because apparently I wasn’t worth the effort of a phone call after dating 6 weeks) he told me that he couldn’t do this right now.

About a week later I was stalking Instagram and noticed a few new pictures in his tagged photos.

This was my favorite:

#ilovemyboyfriend

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

My Crystal Ball Says, “Stop _ _ _ _ _ Assholes!” (Part 2)

 

What does a girl buy a guy she’s only been dating for a few days? This was my dilemma immediately following our 36-hour 1^st date.

I asked friends and family and after hearing ideas that ranged from “nothing” to “take him out to dinner” I settled on what I believed to be an appropriate gift for our situation and had a box of gourmet chocolates delivered to his office with a card that read, “Happy Birthday! Wishing you a great day!”

At 10:15am the morning of his birthday, I received the email notification that the gift had been successfully delivered.

I was excited and couldn’t wait for him to call me to let me know that he had received the present.

So I waited…..

And I waited….

And I waited some more.

By 1:00pm I still hadn’t heard from him.

Convinced that someone in his office had accepted the gift and placed it in a package room without him even knowing (because why else wouldn’t he have called me to thank me) I gave in and sent him a text:

Me: Happy Birthday!

Him: Thank you.

Me: R u at work? I sent you something – it was signed for by the mail room.

Him: I am at work and I did get something. Thank you so much. I’m thinking about you.

 

8 hours later….

Me: Hey

 

The next morning…

Him: Hey good morning beautiful. Thank you very much for my gift.

Me: Hey – Ur welcome!   Were they good?

Him: Yes. I would have loved to share them with you.

To be continued…..

My Crystal Ball Says, “Stop _ _ _ _ _ _ Assholes.” (Part 1)

After my disappointing cruise and failure to meet any normal guys online, I decided to take a break from dating. I deactivated all 3 of my online dating accounts and welcomed back a simpler time when checking my email was about receiving coupons and sale notices from my favorite department stores. I would stop holding my breath waiting for a notification that I had received a wink, a flirt, an email or an instant message.

So I stopped.

And I felt great! My confidence was coming back. I was spending time with my girlfriends on the weekends. I was shopping like a maniac decorating my newly purchased home. I was reading again. I was back to doing the things that made me happy. And it was working.   I was happy.

And then one day I received a friend request from a guy from my past who I had reservations about for a plethora of reasons but who convinced me to go out on a date with him after two weeks of texting and getting to know each other.

So over sushi and sake one Friday night we had our first date. We had our first kiss. And instead of heading our separate ways at midnight, he decided to join me on a weekend get-away I had previously planned with my family.

He met my family. We held hands. We snuggled in bed with no expectations. He showered me with compliments. We had an amazing time together.

But driving home I knew I was in trouble. Our amazing first date had lasted 36 hours and a few minutes after dropping him off….

I missed him.

The World’s _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Matchmaker!

She asked me if I was single. Although surprised by this unexpected and personal question I answered her honestly and told her I was.

She asked me how old I was.

She proceeded to tell me that her uncle was single. Apparently he had recently broken up with his girlfriend because she was using him for his money.

I told her not to worry. I have my own money. I’m just looking for love.

She seemed satisfied with my response and we continued eating our lunch.

This was the conversation I had with an 8 year old.

I think I just found the world’s youngest matchmaker.

Hey, whatever works right?

I Was Married For _ Days (Day 3)

Monday

He tossed and turned all night. He stole the covers. And instead of waking up to room service or morning sex like I had hoped, TurkishDelight’s ringing phone woke us at 10:00am. It was his boss telling him he had to work.

TurkishDelight jumped out of bed and got dressed. He apologized about breakfast and said we would do it another day. On his way out he mentioned that my bed wasn’t as comfortable as his bed….at that moment I knew he wouldn’t be sleeping over again.

He kissed me on the forehead and left.

I won’t bore you with the hour-by-hour cruise itinerary on my 3rd day on the ship but that day we were at sea…and I was trapped. I ate, I read, I drank, I gambled, I layed out, I listened to music, I watched TV, I masturbated, I window shopped, I explored the ship.

And I did all of this alone.

By 4:00pm I was in my room fighting off an anxiety attack.

I was so incredibly lonely and bored and disappointed and confused. Except for a 1-minute chat in front of the lunch buffet, TurkishDelight and I didn’t talk or see each other the entire day. And we had no plans to see each other.

Why hadn’t TurkishDelight planned any activities like we had discussed? Why hadn’t he he asked me to go to dinner with him? Why hadn’t we grabbed a drink between his lunch and dinner shift? Why hadn’t he told me what day he had off yet? Why hadn’t we planned an excursion for St. Thomas or St. Maarten?

A little while later my stateroom phone rang. TurkishDelight was checking in. I asked him if we could go somewhere on the ship together after he got off of work that night. We could grab a drink? Check out the comedy club? Take a walk?

But instead he told me that since the ship was headed into St. Thomas tomorrow, a US port, they had to make sure the kitchens were clean for inspection. He wouldn’t be getting off of work until 1:00am again. It would be too late to do anything. He told me this shouldn’t stop me from doing all of these things on my own.

We ended the conversation with him telling me that he would call me when he got off of work.

What the fuck!?!? He had a piece of paper in his pocket that gave him full access to the ship for 7 straight days. It was day 3 and we hadn’t gone anywhere together.

It was really starting to dawn on me that either I booked this vacation based on misinterpreted text messages or he changed his mind.

I was leaning towards the latter.

TurkishDelight made it very clear to me before booking and even after I booked that we would have plenty of time together. He told me that whenever he wasn’t working we would be together.

This was clearly not the case.

Was I over-reacting? Was I expecting too much from him? Maybe…

That night I fell asleep and woke up at 12:45am anxiously waiting for his call. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair and waited…

And waited…

And waited…

He never called.

By 2:00am I found myself crying alone in my stateroom with memories of my last cruise flooding my mind.

Could I really handle this for another 4 days?

I Was Married For _ Days (Day 2)

Sunday

I woke up feeling optimistic. I replayed the entire day and night in my head and reminded myself that TurkishDelight did everything he could to welcome me aboard, make me feel special and he appeared genuinely happy to see me.

I just needed to ignore the fact that he chose to sleep in a windowless broom closet at the bottom of the ship…alone….when he could have slept in my room with an ocean front terrace and a king sized bed with a guaranteed wake-up blow job.  Not a big deal at all!

The ship was docked in the Bahamas when I got out of bed. I had no intention of getting off of the ship since I had already been to the Bahamas twice, so I threw on my bathing suit and cover-up, ate a quick breakfast and headed to the top of the ship to lay out.

By 8:30am, I was swimming in my own sweat in the lounge chair and was already tired of the book I was reading on my Kindle. I thought to myself, “Fuck…this is going to be a long day!”

I decided to disembark and do what I do best…..go shopping!

I made my way back to the linen store that sold amazing bamboo sheets and purchased another set. Then I started popping in to jewelry stores and fell in love with a gorgeous Movado watch that I had no business buying, but I did.

I was back on the boat around noon and headed to the restaurant to see TurkishDelight. As I was walking up to TurkishDelight I saw him on the phone. He turned around, saw me and smiled and walked over holding up his phone. He showed me that he was calling my room at that very moment to see how I was doing.

I told him about my purchases and he told me that he couldn’t wait to see the watch later.

I sat down to eat lunch and tried to ignore the loneliness I was beginning to feel. This was the 3rd meal I was eating alone on the ship…I had 16 more to go.

Would he ever eat a meal with me?

I had three hours before my spa appointment so I headed to the Internet library to send a few emails. Afterwards, I headed back to the room to sit on my terrace and read.

My 4:30pm 75-minute bamboo massage was out of this world. After the massage I showered, threw on a long black knit dress with high-heeled sandals and headed to the casino before dinner.

At 8:30pm I called TurkishDelight to see if he was ready for me to come to dinner. He told me that he was swamped and asked me to call back in a few minutes.

I waited 20 minutes and tried him back again and he told me to come for dinner at 9:00pm. I was standing outside of the dining room waiting for my escort and the place was mobbed. By 9:20pm I was still waiting to be seated. I was starving, my feet were starting to hurt and I was beginning to feel like a nuisance.

By 9:30pm I was finally seated. TurkishDelight was so busy he barely had time to stop by my table to say hello. But I understood. I saw how hard he was working. We would have our time later.

By 10:30pm he walked me out and I asked him what time he was getting off of work. He told me that his shift ended at 11:00pm but that he had a staff meeting that would end around 1:00am. He said he would call me after the meeting.

I was bummed!!  Do cruises really have staff meetings at night? I don’t know. I will never know.

I fell asleep and woke up to the phone ringing at 1:00am. He told me he was going to come over.

We got into bed and watched a World Cup game. We talked for a while, about our families, jobs, finding love and his dream of moving to NY in a few years. As we drifted off to sleep I asked him if we could order room service in the morning and eat on the terrace together. He said yes and told me what he would order.

We didn’t kiss.
Not once.
But at least he was there…

I Went Out On A Date With A _ _ _ _!

A year ago, my psychic told me that the man I would spend my life would be the type of guy who my family and friends would judge and it would be my job to show them all why he is the love of my life.

So when I received an email on Match from an overweight Harley riding tattooed fisherman from Suffolk, I replied, considering that the people in my life would surely judge this guy!

My psychic also pulled a tarot card during my reading that had two wings on it and he interpreted the card to mean that together we would be two wings and together we would fly.

So when Justin told me that he flew planes I started browsing wedding magazines and picking out baby names.

We were definitely different….that was for sure! But through his emails and then texts, I really started to like him. He was an absolute sweetheart.

After a 2.5 hour phone conversation we decided to meet for coffee.   I prayed I would be attracted to him….

Justin was big. Justin was a very big boy. He was 6’0 tall and probably weighed close to 300lbs.

I’ve never dated a guy with a few extra pounds on him and Justin had a bit more than a few extra pounds but he really was such a sweet guy…..

Assuming he would be able to fuck me I figured I’d be able to get over the weight issue.

Plus, as we headed into Dunkin Donuts I felt like a size 2!

I loved talking to Justin for those 2 hours. He was so cute and interesting. He thought I was a hoot and told me that I was even more beautiful in person. We talked about riding his Harley together and told me where I could buy riding boots. He offered to take me out on his friends boat so that we could go fishing. I told him that I’d never been out to wine country and he told me that there is no better way to experience wine country than on a bike in the summer and that he’d love to take me out there.

Before leaving Dunkin, Justin asked me what my plans were for the coming weekend. He asked to take me to an early dinner Sunday night and I told him that I’d love to.

It doesn’t happen often that I’m asked out on a 2^nd date before the 1^st date ends so I was beaming from ear to ear as we headed out.

He walked me to my car. We stood in the parking lot for anther few minutes chatting.   I was patiently waiting for a goodnight kiss, which never came, instead we hugged.

We would kiss…when the time was right.

Thursday

Justin: Heyyyy I had a great time tonight. I just got home.
WinterInNYC: Wow that was fast! I had a great time too – thank you again for the coffee 🙂 I know u sacrificed for me and didn’t get ur Starbucks
Justin: Anytime! I had a great time as well. It’s ok about the Starbucks. I was in good company so I was happy 🙂
WinterInNYC: 🙂

 

Friday

WinterInNYC: What’s up?
Justin: In bed LOL dog was sick all night and kept me up
WinterInNYC: Ugh
Justin: He’s really not doing well. I’m gunna take him to the vet now. Something is wrong.
WinterInNYC: Poor thing 😦 keep me posted
Justin: Starting to worry me
WinterInNYC: He may just have a bug. See what the vet says. Try not to worry.
WinterInNYC: Everything ok?
Justin: They r doing tests….
WinterInNYC: u ok?

 

Saturday

WinterInNYC: Justin?
Justin: Hey. Sorry I didn’t get back to u last night. Came home after the vet and passed out. They kept him at the vet for observation.
WinterInNYC: How’s he doing?
Justin: He was really crappy last night when I left him. Gunna head there in a bit.
WinterInNYC: What r ur plans for today?

 

Sunday

WinterInNYC: I’m so confused

Not hearing back from Justin was so surprising and incredibly unexpected that I started to think that something had happened to him.

I thought his dog died. I thought his father died. I thought his plane crashed. I thought he got into a motorcycle accident and was in the hospital.

There was no way after the date we had, the fact that he asked me out for a 2^nd date and called and texted the previous two weeks as often as he did that he was blowing me off.

He was dead. I convinced myself.

But then one quick call to his office Monday morning confirmed that Justin was alive and well.

Nothing had happened to him.

I just went out on a date with a dick.

If you can explain to me what happened, I’ll either blow you, or blow your husband/boyfriend for you so you don’t have to!

 

Taxi Cab _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!

The Moroccan and I we were off and running after my birthday bash.

He couldn’t get enough of me and called and texted me several times a day to tell me.

And I couldn’t get enough of him, especially after confirming that his penis was comparable to the Utahan’s.

Happy Birthday WinterInNYC!

One night the Moroccan suggested that he sleep over and drive me to work in the morning.

We snuggled and fell asleep together watching a movie and then played house in the morning, as I got ready for work.

We stopped off at Dunkin, grabbed some much-needed coffee and headed into the city.

Pleasantly happy with how the night went and having no idea where we were headed (figuratively speaking) I sipped my coffee while we made small talk.

As we neared the midtown tunnel I looked over and caught a glimpse of his key chain in the car ignition….

Wait! What? #1 Dad? The fucker told me he was single….

Turns out, I scored myself a married Moroccan father of 2!

And the reason why he was able to call me at all hours of the night, hang out with me almost every day for three weeks and sleep over whenever he wanted to was because his family lived in Morocco!

Although he didn’t make his real life confession during the drive into the city that morning, he finally came clean a few days later.

When I asked him why he lied to me he admitted that if he had told me the truth I wouldn’t have given him my number. Smart!

I have now realized that after our 2nd kiss when he told me that I kissed him like his wife, he didn’t mean that we had crazy chemistry and a level of comfort you have with a spouse.

He literally meant that I kissed like his wife!

I Hailed A Taxi And Got Taken For A _ _ _ _!

 

Two Fridays ago I started celebrating my birthday week by drinking with my fabulous girlfriends at a bar in Hell’s Kitchen.

Several hours/ciders later, I checked the train schedule and decided to head out to grab the 11:52pm train out of Penn Station.

With no taxis in sight and the clock ticking towards my departure time, I started to worry that I was going to miss my train.

I was starting to panic when a gypsy cab pulled up and the driver offered me a ride. These are town car drivers that hang out in the city waiting for calls from the company they work for but try to make money by picking up fares. Although its not legal for them to pick-up pedestrians it happens all of the time. Although I rarely accept rides from these drivers I was desperate and asked him how much?

Driver: $35
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? We are on 48^th and 9^th. Penn is on 34^th and 8^th.   Its like a $10 cab ride….I’ll give you $15.
Driver: $35
Me: You’re crazy dude! No thank you!
Driver: How much you want to pay?
Me: $15!
Driver: $30!
Me: You’re still fucking crazy! No thank you!
Driver: $25!
Me: I’ll give you $20! Not a dollar more!
Driver: Ok, get in.

I quickly found out that my driver was 34-year-old single Moroccan man living in Astoria who thought I was hot!

When we pulled up to Penn Station he asked me for my number and refused to take my $20. I gave him my phone # and insisted he take the $20 and ran for my train.

He called me an hour later to make sure I got home ok.

6 days later it was my birthday and I was headed to dinner and then a strip club to celebrate with Marilyn and two friends from work.

After trying to hail a cab for a few minutes outside of my office, I decided to text the Moroccan to see if he was in the city and could give us a lift. Within 10 minutes he was picking the four of us up and driving us to dinner.

Before he dropped us off I asked him if he would be able to drive Marilyn and me home to Long Island after the strip show and he said of course.

After being molested by the “butterface” strippers, the Moroccan picked the two of us up and we headed home. Marilyn quickly passed out in the backseat of the car and for the next hour the Moroccan held my hand and kissed me at every stoplight we hit.

My stomach was doing flips from nerves and excitement. Was I really making out with a Muslim Moroccan gypsy cab driver on my 34^th birthday?

Hell yeah I was!

To be continued….