It Takes Two To Tango….Or Maybe Just One _ _ _ _ _!

Several months ago I gave my old ITouch to my niece.  She was thrilled until she couldn’t download any video chat apps to talk to her friends because they all ran on IOS 7 and my old ITouch couldn’t upgrade.

So being the wonderful aunt that I am I started Googling to find an app she could download which brings me to Tango.

After downloading Tango for my niece I also downloaded it on my IPhone so that we could text and video chat.  Tango has a “Discover” tab that allows you to find your contacts, people you may know, people nearby and people around the World.  I didn’t realize that by clicking on any of these tabs my profile would go public, but it did, immediately resulting in me receiving hundreds of winks and messages from men 5 miles away to 5,000.

Which brings me to Pedro, a 32-year-old Costa Rican who only days before he messaged me walked off of a plane to start a new life in New York.

Pedro and I hit it off from the start.  Our texting led to hour long phone calls and when we finally met (his first blind date….my 800^th) I was pleasantly optimistic.

He was a true gentleman.  It had been a while since I had a man open my car door and pull out my chair.  It was nice.

I fell hard and fast for Pedro.  It was hard not to.  He was adorable and smart and kind and he wasn’t afraid to talk about the future.  After being with guys who wouldn’t talk about next week let alone next month, Pedro talked about “tomorrow” which helped me feel confident and secure.

So after 5 weeks of dating I finally invited Pedro to my home.  We cooked dinner together.  He made sangria.  We had an amazing night.

And then it was time for bed.

I was finally going to have some alone time with my hot latin man somewhere other than my car.  I couldn’t wait!

We started to make-out.  The kissing, as usual, was great.  The touching was hot.  But when I denied his penis access to my vagina (I just wasn’t ready) he unfortunately found an alterative….my thigh.

Pedro made love to my thigh that night.  For approximately 7 minutes Pedro rubbed and gyrated against my thigh while moaning until he came with a whimper so unmanly I almost laughed.  I wiped off his cum from my raw thigh, patted him on the back, turned over and pretended to sleep.

Did he actually think that was hot?

Our relationship ended a few days later and all I was left with was a bruised thigh, a jealous vagina and an improved Spanish vocabulary.

Another one bites the dust.

I May Be Single But My _ _ _ _ Is A Catch!

I’m really grateful that my pitiful dating existence comprised of ridiculous stories about monster cocks, vulgar semen, sex so bad I need to shop at Costco for batteries and assholes that I like who never like me back has awarded me my 2nd Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you ID’s RED BOOK. I have a little cum on my face because I have not been following your blog and for that I apologize. I am now a follower and look forward to learning all about you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope I continue to keep you interested and coming back for more!

Some of my readers have questioned whether or not all of my stories are true. How can one girl really have this much bad luck/crazy shit happen to her? Believe it or not….this is my life! My desire to love and be loved combined with a sex drive like a dog in heat plus a filthy mouth equal to a sailor’s, makes writing fun for you, my readers, and therapeutic for me. So…as long as crazy fucks continue to find me and fuck me and as long as I can continue to laugh after I cry after every bad date or failed relationship I will write.

I hope to satisfy some of your curiosities about WinterInNYC:

11 Questions to me from ID’s RED BOOK:

1. Is your blog better than mine? Don’t try to be objective, I want completely subjective.

I wish I could answer this question but I can’t since I just started to read your blog. Fuck, I feel like such a selfish twat. I promise to read and comment and like….and if that’s not enough I’ll just blow you….OK? Oh and if posting more often = better blog than yes…you win!

2. What is the most disgusting thing that you’ve ever seen… during sex?

Myself in a mirror….I hate hotels and their damn mirrors!

3. Can you properly use there, their, and they’re in a single sentence?

I asked the guys at the bar if they’re into anal and they said that they were but that their girlfriends wouldn’t let them put it in there!

4. Which 80′s band had the best sense of style? And why? (minimum 100 words)

I was born in 1980 and know very little about 80’s bands or their sense of style. Again…please forgive me for not answering and ignoring your 100 word requirement….I can lick your balls too?

5. Have you ever had an STI/STD?

No!

6. If you answered “Yes” to #5, have you ever had sex with me?

N/A

7. Do you have any coyote ugly stories? Please share.

No…the men I fuck usually leave a few minutes after they cum. Real gentlemen!

8. Do you believe that Jim Henson is the fucking man? Explain your answer in at least 100 words.

Any man that can find a pig a boyfriend is the fucking man in my book! He has given me hope!

9. Have you ever had sex while on any illegal substances? If so, would you recommend I try it?

Can’t say I have. I smoked weed in college but never got laid. Maybe I should start though….we can try it together!

10. You’re all bloggers, which post that you’ve written is your favorite?

Tough one! I would have to say my favorite blog is Mommy…What’s a _ _ _ _? My blog isn’t just about sex and dating…its about my life and this post is a good glimpse into my past and why I am the way I am.

11. If you answered “No” to #5 and #6, will you have sex with me for nominating you for this award? (Did anyone else notice that all the blogs I’ve nominated are written by women? Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.)

Ha! Well I already offered a blow job and ball licking…so sure!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I had horribly crooked fucked up teeth until the age of 25 when I got invisalign. Best money I ever spent.

2. I got my first vibrator at the age of 19. It was forest green. My friends gave it to me at a bowling alley where I was celebrating my birthday.

3. I love to go bowling.

4. I once kept my grandparents waiting for me for dinner at a kosher deli because I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob on my parent’s waterbed. From that day forward I can’t eat matzah ball soup without thinking of blowjobs.

5. In high school I wanted to be a meteorologist and was accepted into Penn State’s meteorology program. Only 20 students from around the world were accepted. When the school told me I would need to spend my entire summer taking math classes I decided not to go. I was in love and didn’t want to miss out on a summer with Ryan. 17 year olds should not be in charge of their futures.

6. I believe in God. I talk to him all the time.

7. Senior year my sorority sisters voted me “Sister Most Likely To Suck The Chrome Off A Trailor Hitch”.

8. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to put my dog down. I pray that I won’t have to make that decision.

9. The 1st time I smoked weed I was a junior in college. I took 8 bong hits, went to a bar, threw up all over my shoes in the parking lot and then drove home.

10. I got my first bikini wax last week and I must admit I feel fucking sexy!

11. I once went on a blind date and the guy told me that I looked like a girl from MTV’s Real World….”You know the one, the pretty girl that needs to lose weight.”

Blogs I’m Nominating – These are the blogs that I thoroughly look forward to reading and hope they don’t hate me for sharing the love:

1. MeAndDating
2. Soon2BeCatLady
3. They Told Me To Find A Rich Husband
4. The Unfortunate Virgin Male
5. My So-Called Adventures In Dating

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Have you ever slept with someone and found out after the fact that they were married?

2. Could you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

3. What would be the theme song of your life?

4. Did you ever steal something? What? Why?

5. Name 3 must-haves and 3 can’t stands in your ideal mate.

6. What’s your most embarrassing moment?

7. What vegetable do you most likely resemble?

8. Would you rather eat a diarrhea dipped banana or a sperm filled twinkie?

9. Who is your celebrity free pass?

10. What was your favorite gift?

11. Where was the craziest place you orgasmed?

For future Liebster Award recipients, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

My Sister Once Told Me “They Always Come _ _ _ _!”

The past few months a lot of the men I have blogged about have unexpectedly popped back into my life! So here are a few updates on some of my mistakes men:

If It Has Tits Or Tires It’s Gonna Cost You _ _ _ _ _!

After countless Google searches I finally figured out Casey’s last name, which led me to his Facebook page. I was dying to “friend” him but worried he would think I’m a psychotic stalker who can’t take a hint….

But then I thought, who the fuck cares what he thinks about me!

Two weeks after my friend request Casey surprisingly accepted and sent me a message. We chatted through Facebook pretty sporadically. I didn’t bring up the weekend he stood me up or the fact that he deserved to have his balls bitten off by a wild bear. What was the point?

Last week I messaged him letting him know that I was headed back to PA for the weekend. I joked that if he saw my car he should wave….or hide!

Casey responsed by suggesting we get together. Wait! What?

Although every cell in my body told me not to make plans with him….I really really really wanted to see him! 90% because I knew I’d get a good blog story out of it. The other 10%…well because he’s fucking hot!

Saturday afternoon….

Casey: Hey what’s up! You having fun?
WinterInNYC: I am! Went to a shooting range – shot a 9mm and a 38 special!
Casey: Nice
WinterInNYC: How r u?
Casey: I’m good
WinterInNYC: Wanna grab a drink?
Casey: Would. But my car is broke, goes in the garage Monday and don’t have money to blow
WinterInNYC: No worries
Casey: Sorry

At least he apologized…this time!

If A Penis Enters Your Vagina, But You Don’t Feel It, Does It _ _ _ _ _?

One night while browsing on Jdate I received a flirt from the 24 year old one night-stand (now 25). I wrote back to the flirt “Do you think you are funny?” He then texted me begging me to accept his apology and let him make it up to me by taking me out.

I had NO interest in starting anything up with him again considering that I had the worst sex of my life with him….BUT….I was curious to find out what happened and why he stopped talking to me.

So I asked him why he had ignored my texts and he told me that he was going through a rough time at home at the time. Supposedly his father had lost his job and it was putting a strain on the family.

Hold on…your dad got laid off from work and as a result you couldn’t/wouldn’t answer a text from a woman you had your dick inside of 24 hours earlier?

Although I had told him that I wasn’t interested in starting anything up again…he kept texting me and asking to take me out.

I finally told him that I would consider meeting him out for a drink if he was truthful with me about why he ignored me those many months ago.

That finally got him to stop texting!

And the grand finale of comebacks…….

My 7-Day All Inclusive Cruise To _ _ _ _. (Part 1)

My 7-Day All Inclusive Cruise to _ _ _ _. (Part 2)

A Million _ _ _ _ _ And I Recognized Yours!

This past Wednesday night I was woken up by a text at 11:58pm….

Shithead: How’s ___________? Congrats on the new job

I didn’t respond.

It felt really good.

Some Dicks Are Just Too _ _ _!

I was extremely depressed and lonely after Brian broke up with me. I remember coming home from work the first few weeks after the break-up and just sitting on my couch, staring at the 4 walls and wiping away tears that were running down my face.

I decided that I needed to take my mind off of my heartache so I started applying for a part-time job. Somewhere I could work after my full-time job during the week and also on the weekends. I didn’t need the money but I did need to get out of my apartment, take my mind off of my ex, stop logging onto Jdate to see if he was shopping around for someone prettier or thinner or smarter, stop feeling sorry for myself and hopefully meet some new people.

So I started working at a bookstore.

Which is where I met Charlie and his gigantic cock.

Charlie was a fellow bookseller who asked me out pretty randomly one night before our shift ended. I didn’t know much about him but agreed to the date since he was decent looking, extremely tall (6’4″) and loved to read.

I found out on our first date that Charlie was born in Utah, which is apparently where cocks gone wild are bred.

Charlie had to be close to 12”. It was HUGE. It was long and thick and frankly pretty fucking scary to a girl who had a vagina that was extremely comfortable with a 5” dick inside of it. 6” = Great. 7” = Fabulous. 8” = Oh thank you Jesus! But 12”??? Really? I was in shock! I was excited! I was moving to Utah!

I like to have sex…A LOT! But I quickly learned that a lot of sex with a great big cock severely interfered with my bedroom plans unfortunately.

This was what a fly on my apartment wall would have heard me say on a typical weekend while I attemped to fuck Charlie:

Friday Night – “Just go slow in the beginning, I need to get used to you.”
Saturday Morning – “Ow! Are you using enough lube? It fucking hurts!”
Saturday Night – “Can you please just cum already? I can’t take much more of this!”
Sunday Morning – “Holy fuck! I’m rubbed raw! Get out of me now! NOW!”
Sunday Night – “Can you please just jerk off in the shower?”

This went on for 7 months.

The worst part about his monster cock was that the whole time we dated I kept worrying that he was ruining my vagina. My tight, never had a baby, performed kegle exercises every day since I was 18 years old vagina, was being stretched out and permanently damaged and I’d become some loose fuck hole tampons would fall out of and no normal sized penis could enjoy.

I’m happy to share that my vagina survived this relationship, as per the 3 losers I slept with after him.

But in the end, there are just some dicks that are too big to handle, pun intended.

I Used To Swallow But Now I _ _ _ _!

I used to swallow. I used to swallow my boyfriend’s cum with such eagerness and genuine pleasure that you would have thought he was spewing out a magical serum that would have either made my double chin disappear, my nose shrink or turn my hair permanently straight.

I would have used it as hair conditioner. I would have brushed my teeth with it. Fuck, I would have spread it on an everything bagel and topped it off with some lox if it meant keeping him.

Why? Because I was infatuated with him, that’s why! Besides the fact that I was ridiculously attracted to Ryan, he was also the first guy I loved and I would have done anything to make him see that I was the best girlfriend he could ever hope for. My friends had told me that swallowing vs. spitting really turned a guy on, therefore I was swallowing…and I was swallowing hard and often.

The first time I swallowed I thought to myself, “Not bad.”

I learned to read his body movements and his groans to figure out when he was getting ready to shoot his load and as the ending neared I would engulf him entirely (us blow job queens call this “deep-throating”) and let him paint my tonsils with his liquid manhood. This maneuver is key, if you don’t like the taste of cum, but I didn’t really mind it, he tasted fine.

Although I tried to prove to my first love usually 2 – 3 times a day that I was by far the best, most amazing blow job queen of all time and that if he ever left me he would never, could never find another women who could make him feel the way he did when his hard dick was inside of my moist mouth, he broke up with me when I left for college.

Since that time, I spit. Which is still pretty enjoyable for the guy since he doesn’t have to pull out and ruin the moment by shooting into a tissue or onto his stomach. But, I don’t swallow anymore. I just haven’t been with a guy since Ryan who’s worth the calorie count. So they cum, I spit and all is right with the world.

Until I met Jeremy, the premature ejaculating anorexic barista. Jeremy’s cum was vile. Jeremy’s cum was so vile that after he came, the inside of my mouth and my tongue started to tingle and burn. Normally a quick spit into a tissue or nearby sink is sufficient but with Jeremy’s spew, after spitting into the sink I had to gargle with Listerine and then vigorously rub my tongue back and forth on the bath towel trying to scrape off his dead children as quickly as possible. If I hadn’t been naked I would have been tempted to search for my toolbox in the hallway closet and grab some low-grade sandpaper.

What the fuck did he eat that day???

Jeremy claimed to be a vegetarian, strived to be a vegan but confused me by eating meat on occasion, so I don’t really know what his diet was like.

But whatever he ate that day he absolutely washed it down with a tall glass of Nasty made with 2 parts bleach, 2 parts sour milk and 1 part battery acid.

By the way guys, if you ask a girl, “Do I taste ok?” and she responds with “Mhmm.” She’s lying.

Go out and buy yourself some pineapples or just be a gentleman and give her a facial instead.

Either My Vagina Is Out Of This World…Or I Just Fucked A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!

….15 seconds later…

He came.

No, that’s not a typo! The 1st time we had sex it lasted 15 seconds. Apparently I was dating an emaciated-bone-protruding-poor-premature-ejaculating-vegetarian-barista!

Of course he was!!!!

A premature ejaculator was definitely next on my list of must haves!

Boy, do I know how to pick ‘em!

He came so quickly and quietly that he actually had to tell me that he finished so that I would stop moving underneath him.

8 was NOT great!

Of course my first question after he pulled out was, “Has this happened before?”

Utterly embarrassed he said it had. This was an issue for him.

Because I’m an amazingly nice person, I told him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. That we would work on improving things and have fun doing so blah blah blah.

Fuck my life!

What does a girl have to do around here to get a good lay???

If A Penis Enters Your Vagina, But You Don’t Feel It, Does It _ _ _ _ _?

I hadn’t been laid since April 2012. I was drying up!!!!!! The cobwebs had appeared….

I was getting desperate!!!!

So when I received an instant message last Saturday from a 24 year old guy on Jdate I decided to ignore my gut reaction to ignore the kid. Cute pictures, 6’ tall, Jewish…I knew we probably had nothing in common (I recently turned 33), but I told myself what the hell!

I emailed him back, “Ur adorable….and very young!” Before I knew it we were talking non-stop.

7:30am “good morning” text messages.

Random texts throughout the day – “how is your day” “I can’t wait to see you!” “Ur so cute!” “Ur so sexy!” “I can’t stop thinking about u!” “Friday can’t come quick enough!”

Phone calls after work, before the gym, after the gym, before dinner, after dinner and before bed.

This kid was head over heels for me…and we hadn’t even met yet. The attention was nice…

I opened my apartment door on Friday night and felt a small pang of disappointment. He looked very young, he was cuter in his pictures (what else is new), he was balding (I know I know…not his fault), and he wasn’t 6’ tall.

But I brushed my disappointment aside when my vagina started to itch reminding me of our 14-month drought. When he kissed me I let him…

Dinner was nice…but I was kinda quiet (which is not the norm for me). I found it hard to find things in common to talk about. My brain kept telling me “he’s too young, this can’t go anywhere, you are wasting your time”….but my vagina kept whispering “Help! I’m lonley! I’m drying up! Take care of me!!!”

So although he enjoyed talking about his high school years while I’ve already been to my 10 year reunion, or that he still lived at home with his parents while I’ve been on my own for 10 years, or that his sister was headed off to college while my sister has been married for 10 years and has 2 children….we left dinner and headed back to my apartment to make-out some more.

We were lying in my bed barely dressed when he whispered in my ear that he had protection.

This was my moment to end it and send him packing on the LIRR back to his childhood bedroom.

OR….

I could have sex with him (hopefully good hot steamy sex) and then at least I could restart the clock on “the last time I had sex” because lets be honest…. my answer to that question was getting embarrassing.

Very quietly I answered him “OK.”

Now let me pause here for a minute to tell you all that I DO NOT sleep with men on the 1st date. Or the 2nd date. Or the 3rd date. This was the first time I had ever done this!!! I had only been with 6 men up to this point and I think this is a very respectable number of partners. I’d like to avoid hitting double digits if at all possible.

And then he entered me….

Me to Me: “Is he inside of me yet?”

Me to Me: “Wait…I think I feel something…”

Me to Me: “Shit, I think he lost his hard-on?”

Me to Him: “Everything ok?

Him to Me: “Yeah, I’m so turned on right now!”

Me to Me: “Oh my God, this is him turned on?”

Me to Me: “I don’t feel anything, how is this possible? He wasn’t that small.”

Him to Me: “Feel good?”

Me to Him: “Uh Huh….”

Me to Me: “Is he going to start moving? He’s just sitting inside of me like a wet noodle…”

Me to Him: ”Wanna flip me?”

Him to Me: “Yeah!”

Me to Me: “How is it that I still can’t feel him!!! Wait let me give it a squeeze….I can’t believe this!

Me to Him: “Everything OK?”

Him to Me: “Oh yeah baby, you like how this feels?”

Me to Him: “Uh huh…”

Me to Him: “You wanna try standing on the floor?”

Him to Me: “OK!”

Me to Me: “Why can’t I fucking feel his dick inside of me? Maybe its the condom???”

Me to Him: “You gonna finish soon?”

Him to Me: “Oh no babe…it takes me a while when I’m this turned on!”

Me to Me: “That makes no sense….this needs to end soon.”

Me to Him: “Maybe it’s a good time to tell you that I don’t come from sex so you should just try to finish.”

Him to Me: “OK, lets get back into bed.”

Me to Him: “You still hard?”

Him to Me: “Oh yeah baby, I’m so turned on right now.”

Me to Me: “My legs are on his shoulders and I STILL can’t fucking feel him inside of me…move your penis…move your hips…Thrust! Thrust! In then out….In then out…In then out…In then out!!!!“

Him to Me: “Oh you’re so hot! Feel good?”

Me to Him: “Uh huh…”

Me to Him: “You close?”

Him to Me: “Not yet…I wanna watch you masturbate…that will get me off!”

Me to Him: “OK.”

Me to Me: “Really?? God…do I know how to pick ‘em!”

And that’s how sex with my 7th partner ended. Me masturbating…him getting cum on my Pottery Barn duvet cover and me wondering….

If a penis enters your vagina, but you don’t feel it, does it count?

You Know Your Boyfriend Is a Cheap Fuck When He Puts _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ In Your Vag!!!

I got up out of Brian’s bed after sex one night to use the bathroom and clean myself up.   After tinkling, I wiped and noticed 10 to 15 little black specs, the size of poppy seeds, on the toilet paper (yes I counted).

They weren’t stains, but actual pieces of something.  I even got up to inspect the contents of the toilet to see what came out of me to produce these……thankfully there was nothing there but my urine….what the fuck are these things??

I immediately got scared and thought “Oh my God – I have CANCER!  I have vagina cancer and I’m going to die!!!”  (I’m Jewish – its in our genes to be neurotic about our health.)  My vagina was decomposing from the inside out and I had about 6 months to live.

I wiped a second time, maybe I was seeing things….NOPE….there they were again.

I flushed my vagina cancer down the toilet and crawled back into bed too afraid to tell my boyfriend that I was dying.  Boy would he miss me.

The next day my vagina returned back to normal.  But I still couldn’t figure out what caused the black specs.  I kept a close eye on all of my future wipes waiting for the little fuckers to return.

The next time I saw them, was again, at Brian’s apartment….after sex.  Ok, now I’m on to something.

Sex with Brian = Vagina decay

I finally decided that it was time to tell Brian that I was dying….or that at least my vagina was dying…because of him!

Me:  “Ummmm Brian, can we talk?”

Brian: “Yeah, what’s up babe?”

Me: “Well twice already after sex, when I’ve gone to the bathroom, there have been black specs on the toilet paper.  I’m getting worried that there is something wrong with me down there.”

Brian: “Oh, that’s just the grape seeds.”

Me: “Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?”

Brian:  “Well, I ran out of Astroglide so I used grape seed oil instead, I had some in the kitchen.”

Me:  “You filled my vagina with grape seed oil and you didn’t think to tell me?”

Brian:  I didn’t think it mattered, I read online that you can use grape seed oil as a lubricant and since I had some handy I figured why not?”

Me:  “Because there are little seeds in it!!!  Maybe the oil is good for lubrication but the seeds aren’t!!!  Don’t you feel them scratching your penis?”

Brian: “Nah…they are too small.  Plus grape seed oil is much cheaper than Astroglide and you can buy it bulk!!!”

Me:  “Are you out of your mind???  You put seeds inside of me!!  I could get an infection and God only knows what else down there!”

Brian:  “Relax, babe!  Its OK!!!

Me: “No, its not OK….and unless you want to get on your hands and knees with a flashlight and tweezer to pick out every last seed from my vag you will buy normal lube at CVS tomorrow!”

Brian: “Fine, but I swear the Internet said it was ok to use.”

Me: “Next time why don’t you try Googling “how not to be a cheap fuck” you asshole!

My First _ _ _ _ JDate Boyfriend!

One year of successful Jenny Craig – CHECK

Quit smoking – CHECK

Teeth straightened – CHECK

First “real” boyfriend since high school – CHECK (pathetic I know)

I WAS ON FIRE…………… Well, as “on fire” as I was capable of being!  However, this fire stayed lit for longer than it should have with a hell of a lot less heat. But, like all relationships, you always learn from them…………….

I met my boyfriend Brian on Jdate in December 2006 (I was 26). A “Jdate” turned into a for real relationship?!?!?!!? Who knew this was possible? Brian was everything I was looking for: smart, good looking (in that geeky Jewish lawyer kind of way), he had a good job, he was funny but most importantly, he liked me, which didn’t happen very often.

Brian was my first real relationship since my senior year of high school, and I was in love.  I schlepped to Hoboken a few times a week to spend time with him at his apt.  This was not inconvenient for me in the slightest – no no no! I thoroughly enjoyed the laborious trek to Hoboken from the Upper East Side, dog in tow, who I had to bring with me if I was staying more than a night.

Sex with Brian was okay. (I use the word okay loosely)

Smart Brian must have caught on at some point that I was not getting as stimulated as he might have hoped.

So, like any diligent Jewish lawyer, he found a website that gave him directions on how to make a girl cum vaginally from manual stimulation.  Basically, he finger-fucked me extremely fast.  Awesome! (One day I will have to find the creator of that website and sue him for PTVS, post-traumatic vaginal syndrome, maybe I will send him a fruit basket…. Or a bomb) My body’s reaction to this fast rhythmic finger-fucking was not an orgasm unfortunately, but it did give me another sensation, it made me want to pee. Not orgasm but pee.  Fabulous! I had my very own for real Jdate lawyer boyfriend who could make me smile, weep, and have the urge to pee uncontrollably while we were having sex. I really had it together, 26 winner winner chicken dinner. When I would stop Brian mid thrust to tell him to stop or I’d urinate in his bed, he said that this sensation was exactly what I should have been feeling, as per the website, and that I just needed to let my body go.  Trust me, if I had “let go” like he wanted me to, I would have pissed him, me, and his flannel bedding that I am still convinced was purchased by a) his mother b) his sister or c) his grandmother’s gift to him for Hanukkah. Most nights ended with him cumming and me masturbating with the fear that I would pee the bed and ruin Hanukkah for both of us forever.

Lessons learned from the relationship:

1) Incorrect use of finger-fucking is as exciting as being a victim of water-boarding

2) I should have peed all over that douchebag