My Crystal Ball Says, “Stop _ _ _ _ _ _ Assholes.” (Part 1)
October 12, 2014
After my disappointing cruise and failure to meet any normal guys online, I decided to take a break from dating. I deactivated all 3 of my online dating accounts and welcomed back a simpler time when checking my email was about receiving coupons and sale notices from my favorite department stores. I would stop holding my breath waiting for a notification that I had received a wink, a flirt, an email or an instant message.
So I stopped.
And I felt great! My confidence was coming back. I was spending time with my girlfriends on the weekends. I was shopping like a maniac decorating my newly purchased home. I was reading again. I was back to doing the things that made me happy. And it was working. I was happy.
And then one day I received a friend request from a guy from my past who I had reservations about for a plethora of reasons but who convinced me to go out on a date with him after two weeks of texting and getting to know each other.
So over sushi and sake one Friday night we had our first date. We had our first kiss. And instead of heading our separate ways at midnight, he decided to join me on a weekend get-away I had previously planned with my family.
He met my family. We held hands. We snuggled in bed with no expectations. He showered me with compliments. We had an amazing time together.
But driving home I knew I was in trouble. Our amazing first date had lasted 36 hours and a few minutes after dropping him off….
I missed him.
I Stayed In Bed All Day _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
December 29, 2013
My sister recently recommended a book to me, which I downloaded on my Kindle yesterday around noon. I couldn’t put it down. I stayed in bed all day reading completely absorbed in this amazingly depressing love story.
By 6:00pm I finally forced myself to turn off the Kindle and get out of bed so that I could start getting ready for my hot date at 8:00pm.
You know you are in trouble when you would much rather stay in bed reading than go out on another blind date.
Rich was a 45 year old very short never been married Jewish man who contacted me on Eharmony a week or so ago…I really wasn’t into him.
There were no major red flags as we worked our way through the Eharmony communication stages until I asked him, “Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.”
Rich’s Answer: “Just the interest of having fun, laughing and enjoying life no matter where we go or what we do or whatever activities we come up with. I could also go with the interest in having a child someday…that is definitely an interest I hope she would share with me.”
He couldn’t come up with one interest! Not one??? Reading? Watching football? Traveling? Jerking off? Not one! Oh and the kid thing was just fucking creepy!
I kept telling myself, “What’s one hour? Go on the date. You never know.”
So I agreed to go out with him but quickly knew that I was in trouble. When I asked him to suggest a bar to meet at for a drink he offered….TGI Fridays!
I texted him when I got to Fridays and asked him if he was inside? Seconds later I saw a very little man, with a limp, head into the restaurant. I stood in the parking lot for a good minute deciding if I was going to go in. My mind was racing trying to come up with a good enough excuse to get out of this date.
But then I reminded myself that I could never do that to someone. I would be horrified if someone did that to me. I could make small talk for an hour.
I ordered a pinot grigio.
He ordered a non-alcoholic Berry Strawberry Smoothie and repeatedly commented on how awesome the smoothie was but how surprised he was to taste watermelon. Watermelon is not a berry!
The date really took a turn for the worse when he asked me if I liked Kohl’s?
Three bad dates this month…one worse than the next! I may take an online dating hiatus.
T.G.I.F readers….
This Girl Is Frustrated!
I recently decided to try something other than Jdate since I’m open to meeting someone who isn’t Jewish. Match was a total bust a few months ago so I signed up for Eharmony….AGAIN!
Eharmony’s process just sucks….and this go around has been just as annoying and unsatisfying as it was when I first tried it years ago.
The first decent guy to contact me was Russ. He wasn’t great looking and he wasn’t very tall and he dressed like a 60-year-old man in his pictures….but fuck my life I’m 33 already!!!
We made plans for drinks after work and we exchanged numbers to keep in touch.
I’m a total stalker so once I got his cell # I started my search on Google. Within minutes I realized that I had just made a date with a millionaire – Cha-Ching!!!!
He owned a hugely successful business AND a winery in Napa! His face was plastered all over the Internet, articles celebrating his success for such a young guy…there were even YouTube videos of him analyzing the industry he worked in.
Ugly or not I was going on this fucking date.
I arrived at the bar and realized that my millionaire date was the missing member of Alvin and the Chipmunks. He had this very round face with pudgy cheeks and these two white front teeth that seemed to show even when his mouth was closed.
Disappointed yes, but my internal mantra that night was, “Napa, Napa, Napa, Napa.”
Drinks went surprisingly well. We had a lot to talk about and he seemed genuinely interested in me. I even stopped noticing how closely he resembled a chipmunk at exactly the same moment he started explaining his process for making wine…
He walked me home like a gentleman and although it wasn’t particularly romantic he stopped me on the street and kissed me.
We made out some more in front of my building and agreed to see each other when we both got back from our vacations. He was leaving in a few days for a 2-week vacation and before he returned I was leaving for a week in Mexico.
That night he texted me to tell me how much fun he had on the date and how awesome it was to make out with me. I told him I had a great time too and was looking forward to seeing him again in 3 weeks.
The following night he texted me that he was in the neighborhood and wanted to give me a goodnight/goodbye kiss. I should have said no, considering I was already in bed naked half-asleep (it was 9pm), but after my missed opportunity with the Turk (which I plan to regret for the rest of my life), I ran around my apartment like a chicken without a head, cleaning my apartment, my body, getting dressed and putting make-up on.
9:20pm he was in my apartment.
9:21pm he was dry humping me.
We were both fully clothed and he was humping me and grinding on me so hard and fast that he was going to cum.
With every hump and bump and grind that I felt, I just kept reminding myself, “Napa, Napa, Napa, Napa!”
9:40pm I finally stopped him mid hump, rubbed out the soreness in my thigh, told him I’d see him in 3 weeks and showed him the door.
10:26pm he texted me: “I’m lying in bed so horny right now thinking of you.”
10:27pm I texted back: “I’m trying to sleep, talk to you tomorrow.”
Believe it or not I never saw Russ again….he actually blew ME off!!!
I guess I wasn’t his Chipette after all!!!
I don’t have a celebrity look-alike and I kinda wish I did!!! I think it would be awesome for people to tell me “Wow!! You look just like Kim Kardashian” or “You could be Megan Fox’s twin!” OK – maybe I’m shooting too high!!!
Several years ago, after giving up on JHate.com and NotMyMatch.com I decided to try ANOTHER dating website. EharmonyAlsoSucks.com allows members to hide their pictures so that you can work on making an emotional connection, not just a physical one. Before someone will show you their picture, you have to go back and forth asking each other questions. It’s awesome because at any point during this question/answer exchange you can hit reject on the screen and the other person is notified that you hate them!
Here are some examples of questions you have to answer (because these are the BEST questions to ask when you are trying to find someone to date/marry/fuck):
Q: What three things would you bring on a deserted island? (This is their secret way of finding out how “normal” you are!)
My A: A vibrator, lube and a carton of cigarettes.
Q: What is your ideal date? (This is their secret way of finding out how little money they need to shell out to get you to go out with them!)
My A: A guy who is not married, pays, doesn’t have bad breath, has hands that are bigger than mine, knows how to kiss, tall enough to see past my nipples and asks me questions about myself…a decent sized penis would also be great!
Q: What would you do for a living if money wasn’t an issue? (This is their secret way of finding out if you have a good heart and would be charitable or selfish and possibly a gold digger!)
My A: Ummmm…..Nothing!!! I would sit at home all day watching the Price is Right and Let’s Make a Deal. I’d order take-out and shop online in between my porn watching and masturbation marathons!
Q: What is your favorite food? (This is their secret way to try to find out if you are a fat fuck….they are hoping you answer this question with “fruits, steamed veggies, tofu and brown rice!”)
My A: Anything that falls in the carb category. Since I’m a fat fuck I love bread, cheese with bread, butter with bread, bagels, pizza, anything Mexican and of course dirty martinis with 3 fat olives.
And finally….my absolute favorite question when trying to figure out if we are made for each other…
Q: Who is your celebrity look-alike? (This is their secret way to try to find out what you look like because let’s be real, looks do matter!!! You’re not gonna fuck a Sasquatch!!!)
My A: Ummmm, I really don’t look like anyone in particular. I guess the closet celeb I can think of is Patty Stanger (before she starting using Sensa).
Patti Stanger!!! Really!!! That’s the best I can do???
So anyway, what prompted this post was a picture I had taken in Italy in 2007. Robin and I were waiting on a very long line to get a glimpse of the Sistine Chapel. We got on the line and for about 2 hours we walked and weaved our way through the museum to get to the grand finale. About an hour into the waiting/walking I looked up and saw a painting that actually stopped me in my tracks. It was a painting of Jesus, with a nun…. and I kid you not….the nun was me!!!!
Take a look….
Close up of my twin….
I have to tell you, seeing this painting was fucking freaky! This is my face!!! Tell me she doesn’t look like me!!!!!!!
So now I do have a celebrity look-alike – St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, born in 1647!! She even has her own Wikipedia page!!!
I feel so much better now….
BTW – The answers above are not all of my real answers….of course. For example, I’d probably leave home the lube and work on making a lubricant from fish oil and coconut milk and instead I’d bring a Jodi Picoult novel to help pass the time.
WinterInNYC 